Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games

30 09 2009

Here’s what we have to look forward to:

DOUBLES LUGE  – If you and your buddy got dressed up in rubber suits and got into that position in a pubic park you’d be arrested.

FOUR MAN BOBSLED – Another event featuring guys in rubber suits in a position that would get them arrested in public park. This event is usually won by a team comprised of a construction worker, a native indian, a police….. well you get the idea.  They’ll be staying at the Y.M.C.A. during the games. They’ll have fun there.

BIATHLON –  Ski, shoot, ski, shoot, ski, shoot. ……..should be a high percentage of   suburban Vancouver athletes representing Canada in this event. Sponsored by Cadillac Escalade

BORDER CROSS – Watch for the Mexican team in this event – they’ll be the ones to beat.

SNOWBOARDING –  It’s the Green Olympics  – Go Ross Go!!!

MOGULS – The only people who got tickets to the Gold medal hockey finals.

SLALOM SKIING – As usual the Israeli Ski team will show up, look around and say “Shit, thought they said Shalom Skiing. Let’s go home”

DOWNHILL SKIING

An event that’s usually over in two minutes. The Italian guys are always good here – two minutes is something they practice with they wives every night.

OLYMPIC MASCOT – An Inukshuk – A stone man. Hey, it’s Vancouver and Whistler – shouldn’t that be a stoned man? That would make more sense. Tommy Chong would be a good choice – he’s from Vancouver.





West Vancouver Martini Hillbillies

30 09 2009

West Vancouver is a wealthy, mostly white suburb of Vancouver. It is also an enclave. Most people from West Van are afraid to leave. They know that there are people from Surrey out there. If they do cross over one of the bridges into Vancouver  it’s usually only for a few hours while they shop for shoes on Robson Street or visit their plastic surgeon in Kerrisdale. They tend to breed with their own kind. Because West Van has a relatively small population their gene pool is very small. Ever seen the the movie Deliverance? It’s like that only they drink martinis and expensive scotch instead of moonshine. If you’re ever passing through West Vancouver and your car breaks down you run the risk of being hauled away by one of the inbred West Van hillbillies and having your valuable genetically diverse sperm surgically extracted.  In order to avoid this you should attempt to blend in with the locals by peppering your conversation with these key words;  stock portfolio, Percocets, scotch, croissants, Ponzi scheme, tennis, Valium, Whister, Clonezepam, Louis Vuitton, I’m meeting my best friend Joan for brunch, demerol, gin, Joan is such a bitch – I hate her, Prozac, Merlot, therapist, lithium, Kato Kaelin just moved into our pool house – he’s so nice, Chardonnay, lorazepam, I’m leaving my husband for our pool house guest.  Be sure to finish of with an air kiss and a fake smile so you don’t blow your cover.





The Free Tibet bumper stickers didn’t seem to be working so I thought I’d try something else.

29 09 2009

IMG_0542





Beef Jercky and blogging

26 09 2009

Kinda feeling a bit like beef jerky here. You know – that dried up, over-salted meat that you find at the front counters of convenience stores that nobody buys unless they’re really drunk. I’m pretty sure that if my blog stats had a graph that showed  ” views by people who are plastered ” it would be in the 90-100 % range.





Stuff Vancouver People Like

21 09 2009

With apologies to Christian Lander

Yoga

Vancouverites are very happy and comfortable doing yoga. Yoga is an activity that takes place on a small 2 foot by four foot matt. It reminds them of their tiny overpriced Vancouver apartment.

Coffee

Going for coffee at one of Vancouver’s many coffee shops is something thousands of Vancouverites do on their way to their job working at  a Vancouver coffee shop.

The Naam

The Naam Resaurant is one of Vancouver’s venerable old institutions. There’s usually a line-up outside which draws even more people to line-up as Vancouverites are suckers for restaurant line-ups. The line-ups are partly due to the fact that the service is kinda, um, uh slow. Order a cup of tea and a muffin. The server will come back twenty minutes later and ask you if you are ready to order.  I can sum things up with three words. Short term memory. You know what I’m talking about. Rhymes with marry-wana. The slow service works quite well for this restaurant – its the only remaining business on fourth Ave from the 1960’s.

Mountain Equipment Co-Op

A place where people who pride themselves in reducing their carbon foot-print go to load up on outdoor gear produced in third world countries that has been shipped half-way across the planet so that they can travel to third world countries half-way across the planet.

The Grouse Grind

A true rite of passage for anyone living or visiting Vancouver. People either do it once and swear that they will never do it again or become hopelessly addicted. The hike up is free. No hiking down allowed so you have to take the gondola down for five bucks.

Apparently it’s legal. When you get off the gondola at the base of the mountain after finishing your favorite addictive activity there’s a Starbucks waiting for you. Surprise, surprise.

French Immersion

Never quite understood the attraction of this. Ever met anyone in Vancouver from France or Quebec who could not speak English? The French should not be encouraged. They’re the ones behind Fois Gras….. the women don’t shave their legs or armpits….. and they think Jerry Lewis is funny.   Sending your kids to a French immersion school is a bad idea because eventually they will feel obliged to pursue a boring soul-destroying career as a federal civil servant in order to validate your decision to send them to a French immersion school. They will resent you for the rest of their lives. If you really want to do them a favor forget about French, Cantonese, Mandarin or Hindi immersion. Instead send them to a Spanish immersion school.  Everyone who grows up in Vancouver will eventually end up partying their brains out somewhere in Mexico or Central America. Being fluent in Spanish will make their experience more enjoyable from start to finish. Phrases like “ excuse me for throwing up on your carpet “, “ where am I ? “,  “ you’re with the Federales – you’re here to help me – right?”  and “ bail is How much? will roll off their tongues. They’ll love you forever

Basement sweets.

Basement sweets are quite popular in Vancouver. Not quite sure why these small damp dark living spaces are called basement sweets. Should be called  basement sucks.

Parking immunity

Vancouver is a city overrun with parking meters. When there are no parking spaces available Vancouverites will often park in a no-parking space and turn on their four way flashers thinking that it will give them immunity from parking violation tickets. By-law enforcement officers love this because it immediately calls attention to the illegally parked vehicle. It’s kinda the parking equivalent of the Darwin awards.

The Hollow Tree in Stanley Park

Tens of thousands of dollars have been spent keeping this dead rotten old thing upright. Maybe they should send it to the Senate in Ottawa.

The Nine-o-clock gun.

Should be the four-twenty gun. That would make a lot more sense.

Cypress Mountain

Ski hill next to Grouse mountain. If you look on a map there is no Cypress mountain. Strachan and Black mountain yes, but no Cypress Mountain. No wonder people get lost there on a regular basis.

Commercial drive

A good place to hang out in a Che Guevara tee shirt, write in a journal at a commie run coffee shop and complain about the government while collecting a government welfare cheque.


Tibetan Prayer Flags

When they’re not writing in their journals in commie run Commercial Drive coffee shops, Che Guevara (who was known to shoot deserters) tee shirt wearing Vancouverites can be seen stringing Tibetan prayer flags across their front porches and balconies.

Skytrain

Vancouver is too far from Mexico so employers bring in cheap labour from Surrey. Vancouver’s retail businesses would grind to a halt without the  Skytrain .

Vietnamese Restaurants

Mmmmmmm – Tendon and tripe soup. Sometimes served with an ounce of lead when a ruckus breaks out.


Public Storage Facilities

Renting a storage space in Vancouver is quite popular due to the fact that  a lot of people don’t have enough space in their tiny apartments or basement sweets. These places rate a solid ten out of ten on the creepy-o-meter. I’m pretty sure that most of these places have at least one dead body inside. Either that or a bunch of cyrogenically  preserved half-dead corpses hanging upside down that are

hooked up to life support machines until their organs are harvested and sold after they ripen.


Stanley Park

On a lighter and more positive note, Stanley Park is one of the jewels of Vancouver. Featuring a beautiful view of the North Shore mountains, a world class aquarium, cricket and rugby fields and the ever popular seawall walk. It’s also a place where people who can’t afford a storage locker go to dump body parts in the woods.





Michael Ignatieff

20 09 2009

I’m starting to wonder about Michael Ignatieff’s true identity. Is he truly Canadian as he claims? Has anyone ever seen his Canadian birth certificate? I’m starting to wonder if those big bushy ebrows are part of a disguise. They look suspiciously like the Groucho Marx fake glasses/eybrows/nose combos that you can buy in a joke shop – minus the glasses and the nose. In other words he’s just going with the eybrows – the glasses and the fake nose would be just too obvious. Could be anyone behind those eyebrows. Pee Wee Herman maybe? …… Hillary Clinton? …..who knows.





Free Coffee at Starbucks

20 09 2009

Sunday morning …..sitting in Starbuck’s composing my first blog ever.
Very engrossed in this process.
Just took a sip from my cup…… big mistake …..sipped from the wrong cup.
………fzzck that was weird.
Wondering whose cup that was.
Blaaaa. ….

Can’t let that throw me off… Must focus. The world needs to hear my voice. I have things to say.
I’ll have more things to say once I get home and get into my liquor cabinet. Hope I can remember the lock combination.

Is it OK to drink and blog? Am I going to get into trouble for that? Will bad things happen? I hope not. We’ll see.

So Starbucks. Can I say Starbucks? Is that OK? Maybe they’ll send me a gift card or something.
Love this blogging thing already. Free coffee just for mentioning Starbuck’s … cool. I’m so exited.

Maybe I can get free stuff from other companies just by mentioning their names. OK.
Bud, Budweiser, Coors ( not the light stuff please ) ummm thinking hard here… Heinekin , Stella Artois….. well that should do for now – I can only drink so much by myself. Maybe I’ll have frends now. I can hardly wait.

So……getting back to Starbucks. A wonderful company by the way.
Now maybe I’m off base here but I think there should be two lines leading to the till at Starbucks. One line for decent people like you and I and another line for those miserable fucks who place orders for no foam, skinny, four pump, blaa blaa blaa yada yada yada coffees. The Barristas should be allowed to say something like ” sorry – that order is just too fucking long – get in that other line please”. I don’t think too many people would have a problem with that.

I’m going home now. Maybe my free booze has arrived.
I’m so exited about this.