Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games

30 09 2009

Here’s what we have to look forward to:

DOUBLES LUGE  – If you and your buddy got dressed up in rubber suits and got into that position in a pubic park you’d be arrested.

FOUR MAN BOBSLED – Another event featuring guys in rubber suits in a position that would get them arrested in public park. This event is usually won by a team comprised of a construction worker, a native indian, a police….. well you get the idea.  They’ll be staying at the Y.M.C.A. during the games. They’ll have fun there.

BIATHLON –  Ski, shoot, ski, shoot, ski, shoot. ……..should be a high percentage of   suburban Vancouver athletes representing Canada in this event. Sponsored by Cadillac Escalade

BORDER CROSS – Watch for the Mexican team in this event – they’ll be the ones to beat.

SNOWBOARDING –  It’s the Green Olympics  – Go Ross Go!!!

MOGULS – The only people who got tickets to the Gold medal hockey finals.

SLALOM SKIING – As usual the Israeli Ski team will show up, look around and say “Shit, thought they said Shalom Skiing. Let’s go home”

DOWNHILL SKIING

An event that’s usually over in two minutes. The Italian guys are always good here – two minutes is something they practice with they wives every night.

OLYMPIC MASCOT – An Inukshuk – A stone man. Hey, it’s Vancouver and Whistler – shouldn’t that be a stoned man? That would make more sense. Tommy Chong would be a good choice – he’s from Vancouver.

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West Vancouver Martini Hillbillies

30 09 2009

West Vancouver is a wealthy, mostly white suburb of Vancouver. It is also an enclave. Most people from West Van are afraid to leave. They know that there are people from Surrey out there. If they do cross over one of the bridges into Vancouver  it’s usually only for a few hours while they shop for shoes on Robson Street or visit their plastic surgeon in Kerrisdale. They tend to breed with their own kind. Because West Van has a relatively small population their gene pool is very small. Ever seen the the movie Deliverance? It’s like that only they drink martinis and expensive scotch instead of moonshine. If you’re ever passing through West Vancouver and your car breaks down you run the risk of being hauled away by one of the inbred West Van hillbillies and having your valuable genetically diverse sperm surgically extracted.  In order to avoid this you should attempt to blend in with the locals by peppering your conversation with these key words;  stock portfolio, Percocets, scotch, croissants, Ponzi scheme, tennis, Valium, Whister, Clonezepam, Louis Vuitton, I’m meeting my best friend Joan for brunch, demerol, gin, Joan is such a bitch – I hate her, Prozac, Merlot, therapist, lithium, Kato Kaelin just moved into our pool house – he’s so nice, Chardonnay, lorazepam, I’m leaving my husband for our pool house guest.  Be sure to finish of with an air kiss and a fake smile so you don’t blow your cover.