West Vancouver Martini Hillbillies

30 09 2009

West Vancouver is a wealthy, mostly white suburb of Vancouver. It is also an enclave. Most people from West Van are afraid to leave. They know that there are people from Surrey out there. If they do cross over one of the bridges into Vancouver  it’s usually only for a few hours while they shop for shoes on Robson Street or visit their plastic surgeon in Kerrisdale. They tend to breed with their own kind. Because West Van has a relatively small population their gene pool is very small. Ever seen the the movie Deliverance? It’s like that only they drink martinis and expensive scotch instead of moonshine. If you’re ever passing through West Vancouver and your car breaks down you run the risk of being hauled away by one of the inbred West Van hillbillies and having your valuable genetically diverse sperm surgically extracted.  In order to avoid this you should attempt to blend in with the locals by peppering your conversation with these key words;  stock portfolio, Percocets, scotch, croissants, Ponzi scheme, tennis, Valium, Whister, Clonezepam, Louis Vuitton, I’m meeting my best friend Joan for brunch, demerol, gin, Joan is such a bitch – I hate her, Prozac, Merlot, therapist, lithium, Kato Kaelin just moved into our pool house – he’s so nice, Chardonnay, lorazepam, I’m leaving my husband for our pool house guest.  Be sure to finish of with an air kiss and a fake smile so you don’t blow your cover.

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